Your Home for Business Satire

Executive Profiles Life Coaching

Prigozhin Retires from Wagner, Becomes Life Coach

The mercenary world was shocked on Monday when Yevgeny Prigozhin retired as head of the Wagner Group to hang a new shingle – as a Life Coach. Mr. Prigozhin timed his announcement to coincide with the launch of his new memoir: The Sledgehammer of Success.

F$JNews had the chance to catch up with the famous mercenary at his new office on the 12th floor of the new Defenestration Tower in downtown Belarus. When we entered the office, his back was to us. He seemed to be checking the locks on the windows. Within moments, though, he had turned around and greeted us. It was then that it was clear that we were face-to-face with a new man. His blood pressure had clearly come down substantially and he was speaking in an even, almost soothing, tone.

Before long, we’d started the interview.

The Sledgehammer of Success
The Sledgehammer of Success

“Mr. Prigozhin, what leads you think you’re qualified to be a life coach?”

“Well, look at my life. I’ve had many jobs. I’ve had ups and downs. I’ve opened a restaurant, I’ve been to prison, I’ve led an army and I’ve negotiated a favorable surrender when I failed to overcome one of my biggest career challenges. I know how to deal with both success and failure, and I understand where so many people come from. I think I can really help others on their career journeys.”

“Many might think that your career suggests a lack of empathy.”

“Quite the contrary. I am almost overcome with empathy. Take a look at my work with prisoners. The great Israeli jurist Aharon Barak once said that a society can be judged on how it treats its prisoners; how it treats the most downtrodden and hated members of their society. Well, I have personally rehabilitated more prisoners than anybody alive – possibly anybody ever. This is a demonstration of my commitment to helping others no matter their station or situation in life.”

“But you were a mercenary, don’t you think that places you outside the bounds of acceptability?”

“Isn’t amazing that so many people forget that we are all mercenaries? All of us are constantly trying to identify how our skills can serve those around us and seeking rewards for that service – in turn. The difference between so-called mercenaries and others is simply that mercenaries don’t bother pretending they are constrained by the so-called ‘morality’ of those who already control everything. We mercenaries aren’t kept down by that so-called ‘moral high-ground.’ I have pushed into literal high-grounds and I have taken them. I know how to get past the constraints that those who are our so-called ‘superiors’ push onto us.”

“You seem to believe you will actually be helping people?”

“Of course! Why else would I become a life coach? I can help people see things for what they are. I can help them push past barriers they have allowed others to create for them. I can help them grab life by the horns and be their best selves. As I’m now fond of saying: I live to serve and I serve to live.”

“You named your book, ‘The Sledgehammer of Success’… really? I mean, really?”

“Oh, people get the wrong idea with that title. I’m only referring to the sledgehammer as a tool to break down the walls that constrain us. It is all about freedom and self-realization. I think the title is inviting, freeing and almost poetic.”

“One final question, if somebody wants to secure your services… how can they find you?”

“I’m going to be a little hard to reach for the time being. But worry not. If you need me, I can find you. Just shine a giant light on the sky with a skull and crosshairs and soon enough… I’ll be there.”

With that, our allotted time with the world’s newest life-coach was up. As we left the office, we saw Prigozhin turn away from us once again. He had gone back to checking the locks on the windows.

Leave a Reply

Be the first to see the latest satire - FREE!

F$JN Logo

What do you want to see?

When do you want to see it?

Woman loving her F$Jnews!