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Business Guru Reveals His Secrets

We at F$JNews were delighted when we received an actual, physical, yellow sticky-note from Jonesing for Business inviting us to witness the great man at work. Remember, business guru Stephen Jones is famous throughout the VC and high-tech startup world for his advice feed: Jonesing for Business. In fact, his fleet of secretaries, all named Jones, package and distribute sticky-note-sized business advice at an almost impossible pace. They are the origin of the famous phrase “trying to advise at the pace of the Joneses.”

When we first entered his offices on the 42nd floor of Hitchhiker Tower, they seemed bland and ordinary. Then Betty Jones led us through the first frosted door. Inside, there were rings upon rings of low cubicle walls. They were organized in 7 concentric circles and there seemed to be a cloud of dark smoke hovering over the center of the room. The scent of money and risk was heavy in the air. As we watched, innumerable Joneses seemed to rush from the center of the circles to the outside and then flow back again. They seemed like the beating heart of the Jones empire. They were wearing robes of black and they moved almost silently, reverently muttering phrases like ‘expand the product offering’ or ‘identify core competencies.’

Betty guided us inwards until we finally found ourselves standing before Stephen Jones himself. He was sitting cross-legged, breathing in the fumes from an iron disc filled with burning stock certificates. His eyes were rolled back in his head.

Business Guru Stephen Jones
Business Guru Stephen Jones

“What’s happening?” we asked Betty.

She answered, “He is communing with the ancient Yuga Wuga people. “

Stephen muttered, “uyrgaho yumitabia eraskutap…”

Next to him, another man in light red robes was listening intently. He translated, “The Yuga Wuga have discovered their new fertilizer can raise yields by Ytoash.”

Betty leaned over and said, “That means 17%.”The Yuga Wuga had a word for 17%?

Another man, in a dark red robe heard that and then turned to the black-robed Jones standing at the front of a line of black-robed Jones. He said, “Embrace technical innovation.” She rushed off muttering the phrase. Presumably, she would soon produce a yellow-sticky note.

The acolytes were translating and then transforming Stephen’s otherworldly experiences into practical business guidance. It was magical.

Stephen kept speaking.

The man in the light red robe said, “They have sent envoys to trade their new fertilizer for additional grain.”

The man in the dark robe told the next black robed Jones, “Sales will supercharge your enterprise.”

“They live in great security, surrounded by vassals and allies… a strong product will protect your business.”

As the story unfolded, we could not help but appreciate the words of beautiful advice flowing from the ancient Yuga Wuga people.

Then Stephen’s face turned white.

Hueoak Jiluyark Uambulieah! There is a drought and yields have dropped!… prepare for adversity!”

Was Stephen about to channel the wisdom of an ancient recession?

fiqpa wdue dwaer… The Yuga Wuga have withdrawn their envoys. They have hoarded their seed. They have begun to dwell in caves beneath the land… fire your salespeople, cut your costs and above all else, conserve cash!”

As those words spread outwards from the center of Stephen’s ring to the world at large, we could imagine enterprises around the globe basically setting fire to their marketing departments.

And then silence.

The Yuga Wuga had done everything right. Would they make it through the drought?!?

Finally, Stephen’s face lit up with joy and he spoke.

“They have survived!” said the man in the light red robe.

You can persevere!” said the man in the dark red robe.

The next black-robed priest of Jones carried the word to the world.

We almost felt like cheering. There was hope!

Then Stephen seemed to choke. Tears came to his eyes and he cried out, “dujeoa efaow fhriwo!”

“The Muka Tuka – another people – have discovered fertilizer that improved yields by 10%!

The man in the dark red robe was too shocked to speak.

The movement of the black-robed Joneses drew to a halt.

utpoj fjeipq fncnqak…. The Muka Tuka planted and built alliances while the Yuga Wuga hid!”

“fleanw adek dnkawThe Muka Tuka have taken the land of the Yuga Wuga!”

duwiua duwiua … The Yuga Wuga have disappeared from this Earth.”

There was silence, and then, at long last, the man in the dark red robe spoke, “When there is fear in the market, there is opportunity to overcome your competition.”

The advice was too little, too late. Globally, salespeople had been fired and marketing departments hollowed out. Vibrant business relationships had been replaced by dwindling piles of cash that could never rebuild what had been and what could be.

And we knew that Stephen Jones himself had gone the way of the Yuga Wuga.

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