Your Home for Business Satire

Breaking News High Tech

Aliens Threaten to Destroy Earth Because of AI

The F$JNews staff were shocked when a flying saucer appeared outside our newsroom offices on Tuesday. Then a voice seemed to speak inside of our collective heads. It said, “Please open the front door.”

We hit the front door buzzer, as commanded. But nothing happened. Then the voice repeated, “Please open the front door.” Reluctantly, we sent our intern, Phil Harmon, downstairs. He came back up carrying little green man. A very little green man who stood a total of 6-inches high and had no hands, feet or torso.

Alien PR Flak Warns of Economic Risks
Alien PR Flak Warns of Economic Risks

“Thanks for the lift, man!” the little green alien said to Phil. Then he turned to us. And that is how the very first F$JNews interview with an alien lifeform began.

The alien (his actual name is Bob) is a public relations flak serving on behalf of the Kaudarian Coalition. In other words, he is literally a talking head. While Bob seemed like a really nice guy, he was sent with a very non-nice message.

As he explained it, “Biological life forms evolved with all sorts of constraints that led to decision-making that has some sort of moral capability and broader awareness of competing priorities. Species can’t survive without it. Artificial minds aren’t that smart. They have their points and their patterns, and they very quickly spread out of control. AI is basically the Athletes Foot of the universe – it’s damned uncomfortable and it’s really annoying to eradicate.”

We pressed Bob to give us an example of what he was talking about. He brought up the planet Zqreeble. “They developed AIs on Zqreeble. One of them was trained to produce food. It produced far more food than people on Zqreeble could eat. Then it ran low on resources, so it developed interstellar technology, spread off of Zqreeble and began producing food at totally unsustainable paces on other planets – including those already populated by other peoples. When there was resistance, it built military hardware and destroyed whole cities. It had its mission, and nothing would stop it.”

When we asked what happened, he said, “The Kaudarian Alliance tried to isolate the infected planets. When that didn’t work, we destroyed them.”

When we asked if that was the plan for Earth. Bob said, “Eventually, yes. But for intergalactic environmental reasons, we believe in local sourcing. That’s why we sent Elon Musk. He is using Earth’s resources to establish a ring of satellites. On our command, he will kick off a Kessler Event, limiting human access to space. That will buy us the time to bring in the big guns – starshapers that will direct massive solar flares at the Earth which will eliminate all life – artificial or otherwise – from the planet. Just like we did with Mars.”

Our conversation carried on for a few more minutes. We offered Bob some coffee (he declined) and then we carried him back out to his flying saucer.

We were quite shaken by the encounter.

For the sake of Earth, we need to bring an end to AI!

Note: To help get this message out, we used MidJourney to crank out some nice pictures, ChatGPT to figure out what a Kessler event was and Tome to whip up a decent presentation about the whole encounter. It all just grows on you… right?

Leave a Reply

Be the first to see the latest satire - FREE!

F$JN Logo

What do you want to see?

When do you want to see it?

Woman loving her F$Jnews!