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Underwater Real Estate Tycoon Can’t Jump from Foreclosed Property

Underwater real estate tycoon Frank Eddard attempted to jump to his death yesterday afternoon. He was prevented from doing by locks his lender Northern Midwestern International Trust had placed on his building only minutes before he made his attempt.

F$JNews reporters decided to investigate how the bank knew what he was planning and when he was planning it. After some prodding, the bank admitted they had used the services of Dr. Yaava Perkins, a clinical psychologist and the founder of Loss Mitigation Psychological Services. We managed to interview Dr. Yaava the very next day.

“Dr. Perkins, how did you know Frank Eddard was going to try to kill himself?”

“I can’t discuss the specifics of a case. But I can say that with a high-risk borrower like him we instantiate an intense monitoring program. Little tell-tale signs like kissing your kids good night when you don’t normally care, or saying ‘I love you’ to a wife you hate, are great indicators that something is imminent. But, again, I can’t discuss particular cases. Except to suggest that Mr. Eddard’s wife and family should broadly discount the unusually warm attitude he displayed yesterday.”

Depressed Real Estate Tycoon
Depressed Real Estate Tycoon

“Wow. That is intense. We’ve never heard of somebody in your role. How did you get into Loss Mitigation Psychology?”

“It all started with a client, actually. During the 2008 crisis, his real-estate business was collapsing. One day, without any warning, he just decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He set fire to one of his buildings, he climbed out onto the roof and, well, that was it.”

“Oh, that’s terrible.

“Well, another man’s tragic end was this man’s great opportunity. The fire cost the bank tens of millions of dollars and the whole process of going after the man’s assets was deeply complicated by his being dead. I watched it all happen and realized that the answer was proactive Loss Mitigation Psychology. Basically, I’d assess major borrowers on the edge and encourage the banks to take appropriate protective measures before the borrowers became destructive. Just like we did with Mr. Eddard.”

So, you help prevent suicides?”

“I guess you could say that. That’s not really the point though.”

What is the point?”

“You mean aside from bringing in far more billings than my psychological practice ever could? Ha! Well, there are two other points. The first is to limit losses, like we did with Mr. Eddard. We can even recommend counseling – although I can tell you it didn’t help in my own client’s case. But we don’t only limit losses, we create opportunities.”

What does that mean?”

“I’ll put it this way: I work for bankers, not banks. When times are good and deal volumes high, bankers make a mint on commissions and bonuses. They don’t have to pay those back when times are bad so they don’t really mind major high-risk borrowers. Actually, they find them hugely beneficial. So, who’s most likely to be a big-time high-risk speculative borrower 10 or 15 years from now?”

I don’t know.”

So, I’ll tell you! Borrowers who went bankrupt this time around. It may not be good for the bank, but the bankers want to keep these guys around. If they jump off buildings or commit felonies, then we’ve got to invest in finding a whole new crop of developers. By saving these guys now, we can destroy them all over again later.”

“Oh… do you have any plans for the future?”

“Of course! My business is very cyclical – it really depends on down markets. What’s critical for my future is ensuring my pipeline of unstable major borrowers, desperate banks and opportunistic bankers remains full. That’s why I’m planning on encouraging future high-risk large-scale borrowers and bonus-seeking bankers, while they are still in elementary school. All I need to do is think of a way of introducing leveraging and derivatives into playground activities.”

Well, there you have it. F$Jnews is once again bringing you the cutting edge of financial and business trends. 

If you want to keep up with the future, just follow us on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook or even on this site. Will we try to exploit you? Absolutely. But at least you’ll laugh while we do it.

Oh, and we can highlight the value of your business in a wonderfully sarcastic way. Perhaps you provide services that today’s real estate investors could actually use? It’d be easy to work you in in a positive and hopeful way. Just contact us here.

Finally, if you are seriously depressed about interest rates and real estate – there are obviously going to be losses and businesses that collapse. But think of it this way: kissing your kids and say I love you to your partner doesn’t take a big chunk of change to pull off. They shouldn’t be the first warning signs to a man like Dr. Perkins – instead they can be the first signs that somebody else needs the intense surveillance.

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