After last night’s Paris riots, Terre Mère, the famous French environmental group, is calling for significant police reforms. Their spokesperson, the world-famous child activist Care Bear Pierre (a nom de guerre), explained the basis of their demand.

“Last night in Paris, 41 cars were burned. Fully 3% of all French greenhouse gas emissions come from burning cars and no less than 8% of toxic pollution résultant de the same source. While we celebrate removing cars from the road, burning is not the way to go. It would be far better to remove the tops of cars and upcycle them into mobile planters for the raising of sustainable hyper-local urban crops. Instead, last night’s riots just continued a trend of rapid emissions from burning Peugeot, Renault and Citroën models.”

Care Bear Pierre continued, “The fact is, to save Mother Earth, we need to bring car burning under control. This is why we demand that la gendarmerie stop shooting unarmed teenagers and the government cease attempting anything resembling pension changes. The Earth has reached her limit!”

When reached for comment, a representative of the Macron Ministry of Finance stated, “We continue to support the burning of French cars. It is our estimation that the manufacture of replacement cars is responsible for over 35% of French employment. The fact is, France is only the 13th largest car exporter in the world. If we didn’t burn our cars, then we’d be setting fire to our economy.”

Nobody outside the country could understand how any of this makes sense.